Race Day Follow Up

2nd place on the podium at Quassy Half Ironman

I thought about you a lot before my race this past Sunday. About the writing I’ve been doing. About this place I have created. I thought about you while I raced. I thought about you after.

After the race was over, I kept noticing that I felt vulnerable sharing my race experience. It felt strange and quite possibly a little scary to tell you that I was proud of myself. I felt self-conscious about it.

I posted something quick on my Facebook Page with the promise of writing more later. But I haven’t written and as the days pass by I am finding that I am just in the present moment. In my day to day living. It feels difficult or awkward to go back and replay it all again.

We’ve had so much happen in these past few days. Life is like that. It just keeps going whether we keep up with it or not. Sometimes keeping up is easier than other times.

There is so much to touch upon within that day. Each of the 70.3 miles has a piece of me and my story. My work to get to the race both physically and mentally. Emotionally too. This race was also a stepping stone for July 26th when I race Ironman Lake Placid. The half ironman was a training race. I knew this going in to it which was part of the pressure I was placing on myself. Another opportunity to measure and assess. For better or worse.

Because I seem to be reluctant to write more, or perhaps I’m just a little stuck, I’m copying a few of my Facebook posts from this week. They capture part of the story. Which is the best I can do right now.

Thank you for joining me here. For your support and encouragement and for the community I am privileged to be a part of because you choose to visit.

From Monday 6/8/15

Normatec Recovery!

Here I am with my husband recovering after our race! And that’s me on the podium up above. I got 2nd in my age group! I’m really happy about this!

More than anything I stayed calm, relaxed and felt solid the whole race. I didn’t get in my own way and I didn’t let in any negative chatter. That’s the biggest win for me — not giving up on myself and outgrowing some old belief systems. That’s what I was hoping for.

I’ve worked really hard to get to this place and I’m feeling really good that I was able to not let fear take over. I was really afraid of that. Go figure!

I know that this will not always be easy or a linear process. As you saw this last week, there are ebbs and flows in our life’s work. I certainly can attest to that. We do our best to keep our eye on the bigger picture and we ask each other for help when we can’t quite see clearly. That’s being brave. Reaching out to others and remembering that we aren’t alone.

Thank you for the support and encouragement! It was quite the week! Now I’m off to do mountains of post-race laundry and clean out a million water bottles.

Take care! Be brave. Take time to celebrate all of your becoming. XO

Also from June 8th:

I love Pema Chödrön. Her writing and teachings are so easy to digest. She teaches with love and grace and humor. We can all use some humor! She reminds us to stay out of our own way and not take ourselves so seriously. I like that!

For me it’s a true struggle to keep being open and vulnerable. To continually step out of my comfort zone and be real with so many people. Not just my husband and close friends but everyone. I hope that being real will not only help me heal, but others as well. That’s the hope.

Vulnerability is a tough thing to sit with. I felt vulnerable last week sharing how vulnerable I was and I felt vulnerable this morning telling you I had overcome some inner demons yesterday while I raced. Interesting to notice it in both scenarios. This is truly the cycle of abuse.

Keeping that open heart and open mind today. Take care. Be good to yourself wherever you are on your journey. Remember you are not alone.

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ― Pema Chödrön

9 replies »

  1. Congratulations on your race!!! You are truly awesome. 🙂

    I relate to your struggle with being open and vulnerable with people outside of my inner circle. I just shared a post on my personal Facebook page that I normally shy away from because I don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ or piss people off but I didn’t think twice about sharing it on my blog Facebook page. Voicing my opinions with strangers is easy but doing it with ‘friends’ makes me feel vulnerable. I guess I’m still learning the difference between healthy boundaries and walls.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! You and me both! For years I have had very few people on my personal Facebook page. I have a hard time knowing the difference between boundaries and walls too. I think I always will. Or maybe it will always be something I have to continually look at, think about and process. It never comes easily and I always, always second guess. Vulnerability and shame are powerful forces for sure. It helps to hear you have the same experience! Thank you, Karen!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is remarkable. I could stop right at 70.3 miles and say: THIS is remarkable! But you go on! Twice this in just over a month? My brain doesn’t even comprehend that.
    But still that hasn’t reached the truly remarkable level. What each moment of preparation––physical, mental, spiritual, emotional––has meant, what happend on the run and what happened after it. That could be a book!
    I can only say: you CAN and you must be proud! So many of us (some know you well; others, like me, are just finding out who you are!) are proud of you! You have immeasurably much to offer.
    I cheer you on!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very much! I started my day with your words today and I want you to know that I carried them with me for 102 miles. We are traveling this weekend and I had to get my long ride in today. I wanted to throw in the towel and quit. I really did.

      Some days are just like this. I know. But honestly if I had to drink another bottle of gatorade, or eat another gel, or spend another moment alone with myself, I was going to cry. Okay, I did cry. 😉 And I thought about throwing my bike into the bushes and calling it a day…

      But I knew it came down to a choice and I had to decide, whether or not I really wanted to quit or if I was just really, really tired.

      Anyway, all that to say that you inspired me to keep at it. Not just the ride, but all of this. Thank you! XO

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jessica––and I started my day with your words! 😊 … and went for my run (albeit a tiny fraction of what you achieve).
        To be able to rationally identify that “choice” in the heat of the moment––the fatigue and intense wish to quit––is a mighty huge discipline. One which I admire enormously.
        I’m so proud of you––just as if I’d known you for years. Keep at it. Looking forward to posts as you have strength and time.
        Julia xo

        Liked by 1 person

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