Tri-Umphant Living

A New Day. Tri-Umphant Living Post #3

Post swim strength training and stretching.

Post swim strength training and stretching.

When I woke up this morning, my stomach fell and I had to check myself. Did I really post that yesterday? Bringing attention to the fighting, my fatigue and my anger. Especially the anger. Anger is such a scary emotion for me. I swallowed it for most of my life so whenever it surfaces I want to direct it on to myself as I did when I was a child. But enough of that already; I’m not the target for my anger. Better to feel it than to direct it on to myself. I keep talking about putting down the baggage but it’s tough to let go of and I keep looking down and finding it in my hand. Surprised.

Frankly, I’m so incredibly sick of discussing sexual abuse. The fact that I have to even think about it makes me even more angry and pissed off. But after disconnecting from it for 35 years, it’s sort-of something I need to wade through. So here I am. Wading. Resentfully, I might add.

I was finally home after three days of swim meets and I toyed with just staying there. Getting the laundry, the bills, the scutwork sorted through and accomplished. Thinking I’d feel better if I actually put some of the clothes away before starting my work day. But instead, I listened to my inner-voice and realized that all I wanted to do was go swim with my masters team. I scrambled to get my gear together and I bolted out the door. Swapping Monday’s workout of sitting on the bike with Friday’s swim. Leaving breakfast and lunch prep stuff everywhere. I knew I needed to move my body and be with other people. So I did. And if nothing else is accomplished today, I have that in my pocket. And I feel good about that.

I listened to myself. I practiced self-care which is such an important piece to all of this authentic-real-life living. We have to take care of ourselves or everything else feels like a burden. A have-to. Yesterday I shared my authentic angry voice with you and I tapped in to my heartbreak and despair. Today I got up and started a new day. I’ll keep moving. I’ll keep wading. Wading is way better than being stuck in the mud. So here goes. Ironman Texas: May 14, 2016. 208 Days to go.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Take care!

8 replies »

  1. I just read yesterday’s post so I’ll just comment here! I can’t remember who told me this but they said that the root of all anger is fear. It might be fear of not being in control, being taken advantage of, fear of not being heard, whatever. I don’t know if it’s true for everyone but it almost always rings true for me.

    I love what you shared yesterday. I think a lot of abuse survivors (and probably women in general) shy away from the powerful emotion of anger. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I’m angry, like I’m too powerful or too visible. I feel a lot of shame around the emotion of anger so it helps me when I can re-frame around being fearful of some sort of outcome. It’s still an emotion that needs to be felt and it still sucks but it feels more productive.

    You’re my self-care inspiration, by the way. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Karen! I’ve been saying that a lot lately — that I feel afraid most of the time. Which has now reminded me that I was terrified all of the time as a kid. I had forgotten that feeling — or rather repressed it — so there is a tremendous amount of fear circling around now. And the overpowering, blood-boiling rage. You’re right though — I was terrified of being too powerful or too visible. It made me more of a target. So for certain, there is that to work through as well. Understanding that I can be angry without being hurt or punished for it. So much to process. Thanks for holding a space for it all, for your wisdom and reflections. I always look forward to your thoughts and feedback after I hit that “publish” button! XOXO

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad you put the mess in the kitchen in the “to deal with later” pile instead of yourself. You should put a pair of Wellies next to your counter stool. Way to go!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes, I know I am sometimes so sick of the phrase childhood sexual abuse, discussing it and thinking about it and feeling the residues of it. For me when it gets to that, I have to take a break from it and choose to just not go there and do something fun or plan something different. But of course that isn’t always the case and the feelings come and they demand to be heard and seen. If the latter is true, we you know that it is a feeling that once felt will be healed and released and there is one less feeling to feel. At least that’s how I look at it. Yes, just keep listening to that inner voice and following her expert direction. She knows what you need, you know!! I pampered myself with some chocolate today. Why? Beacuse I am worth it lol! Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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