When I woke up this morning, my stomach fell and I had to check myself. Did I really post that yesterday? Bringing attention to the fighting, my fatigue and my anger. Especially the anger. Anger is such a scary emotion for me. I swallowed it for most of my life so whenever it surfaces I want to direct it on to myself as I did when I was a child. But enough of that already; I’m not the target for my anger. Better to feel it than to direct it on to myself. I keep talking about putting down the baggage but it’s tough to let go of and I keep looking down and finding it in my hand. Surprised.
Frankly, I’m so incredibly sick of discussing sexual abuse. The fact that I have to even think about it makes me even more angry and pissed off. But after disconnecting from it for 35 years, it’s sort-of something I need to wade through. So here I am. Wading. Resentfully, I might add.
I was finally home after three days of swim meets and I toyed with just staying there. Getting the laundry, the bills, the scutwork sorted through and accomplished. Thinking I’d feel better if I actually put some of the clothes away before starting my work day. But instead, I listened to my inner-voice and realized that all I wanted to do was go swim with my masters team. I scrambled to get my gear together and I bolted out the door. Swapping Monday’s workout of sitting on the bike with Friday’s swim. Leaving breakfast and lunch prep stuff everywhere. I knew I needed to move my body and be with other people. So I did. And if nothing else is accomplished today, I have that in my pocket. And I feel good about that.
I listened to myself. I practiced self-care which is such an important piece to all of this authentic-real-life living. We have to take care of ourselves or everything else feels like a burden. A have-to. Yesterday I shared my authentic angry voice with you and I tapped in to my heartbreak and despair. Today I got up and started a new day. I’ll keep moving. I’ll keep wading. Wading is way better than being stuck in the mud. So here goes. Ironman Texas: May 14, 2016. 208 Days to go.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Take care!
Categories: Tri-Umphant Living