Tri-Umphant Living

My Best-Self. Um … Who? Tri-Umphant Living Post #2

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There’s a lot of fighting going on in our house. Stress does this to people don’t you think?

I’m on day three of my children’s weekend marathon-swim meet. Just 12 hours left to go as I try to write this. I didn’t get my ride in this morning. Choosing a little more sleep over training. It was the necessary thing to do but I don’t like it. It makes me feel that I am not caring for myself in the ways I need and want to. This is a huge button-pusher for me. I was not allowed many needs as a child so my resentment, while valid, may brew with more urgency than it would had I not been sexually abused for ten years.

Truthfully, there is deep, profound joy in being a mum and nurturing my children’s growth and all of their “becoming.” I love this more than anything. I do. But all parents get weary. It’s part of being human.

When we are tired and weary and overwhelmed, we are far from our best-selves. When I feel overwhelmed I feel like I’m tackling life on my own. My familiar cry out to the world, “No one is helping me! No one is helping me!” rings in my ear with a steady dinging. Whether this statement is true or not, the feelings it stirs up are powerful and triggering. What moment am I in when I am experiencing this lack of help? Child-me who truly wasn’t helped? Alone and small and frightened. Grown-up, care-giver-me who feels fatigued and unable to generate another ounce of momentum? Both? Probably both.

Regardless, whenever we feel scared or unseen we usually aren’t seeing the other people in our lives either. When I feel undervalued or invisible I find that I approach each conflict with a mindset of scarcity. That nagging thought of being taken for granted can fester in ways that skew all perceptions. A layer of not-enough-ness lingers in the air and instead of assuming I’m being supported and valued, I feel deprived and overworked. Believing I am carrying more of my weight than the rest of the people in my house and accusingly wagging a finger to make my point.

This is not a good place to be. This measuring of who is doing more of the heavy lifting. When I do this, I usually alienate myself instead of moving closer to the people I love and care about. Lately I’ve been doing it a lot. I’ve got those boxing gloves on again. It feels lousy. And lonely.

I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m incredibly angry and I’m not sure what to do with the anger. But it’s here. Percolating. I’ve read and studied … and believe … that anger protects us from experiencing our grief and sorrow. I’m afraid that this might be true and I’m wondering if I’m ready to hold my heartbreak. To experience my despair. Honestly, I’m thinking I am afraid to.

This is indeed real life. Real living. Thanks for being here with me and bearing witness.

6 replies »

  1. I know it’s not a good place to be because I have been where you are.

    I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way and having all the thoughts that you are having. Remember that you can handle this, you have everything you need to ride this storm warrior!

    I also worry that I am obstructing the sadness and pain with anger and resentment sometimes. I think the big feelings make us believe that we can’t contain the pain because we judge ourselves for the feelings and everything we think we should be doing differently.

    But you are doing your best and are aware enough to be able to identify the different feelings and observe them and write them down with the clarity that you have. This means that you can hold the big feelings whatever form or shape they come in. This feeling will pass but try right now to remember the courageous woman who protected and held her flame throughout all those years of abuse and after. That beautiful, brave woman is still here, she is YOU.

    Stick with yourself now again and the belief that you will come out stronger. After my meltdown last week I feel renewed and I know you can do the same! Be gentle with you, you haven’t done anything wrong and you deserve a break!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your encouragement and thoughts. I think you’re spot on here: “I think the big feelings make us believe that we can’t contain the pain because we judge ourselves for the feelings and everything we think we should be doing differently.”

      I always felt guilty for being angry and was made to feel badly about it. Implying that I was the one with the problem — not my mother or stepfather. Which made it murky and confusing. And then the shame associated with anger to boot. Oy!

      And you’re right! I need a break! Lol. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes me too, I feel very bad when I get angry and believe that i am a terrible person. As soon as the anger comes up, the shame and guilt follows quickly and this clearly a result of being made to repress my anger all those years ago and being made to feel bad for being angry. In my childhood home, all feelings were hidden and replaced with polite smiles!

        Like

  2. I saw this quote on another site and wanted to take some parts out of it here for you:

    The feelings are not you and don’t define you:
    You are the cleverness that survived
    You are the courage that escaped
    You are the power that hid and protected a tiny spark of light
    You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love

    You are a warrior

    Liked by 1 person

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