Tri-Umphant Living

Good People. Tri-Umphant Living Post #6

Truthfully, I have always been afraid of people. To me, each person in the world is my mother. The person who told me repeatedly that I was crazy. Convincing me that there was no dragon in the house. The woman who informed me that the disfunction in our home, the very sickness in the air we breathed, was my fault. If I wasn’t there — there would have been no sexual abuse. By blaming me, the pedophile and my complicit mother were completely unaccountable and off the hook.

Often I am afraid that people will see me and think, “She is crazy.” I wrestle with that fear every day and yet each day I show up, I challenge my fears and I try. I try to be my best-self in each given moment. Not perfect but good-enough. I have to work very hard to continually quiet that internalized-mother-voice and hold on to what I’ve held on to my entire life — the quiet belief under the raging mother-voice — that I am good. I do believe that most people, in fact, are good. I just have to work on not being so afraid of them. Part of this process is continually reminding myself that I am not crazy and that the disfunction was not my fault. Letting myself be seen and heard helps me to let go of that internalized cruel voice.

Each time I hit the post button and send my writing out into the world, I get afraid. I worry. I have to ask my friend, “Did that make me sound crazy?” I feel vulnerable and I feel scared. But for whatever reasons, I keep believing that what I have to say will help. It will help me and perhaps some other person in the world who shows up each day trying to be their best-self too.

Today I found this! This unexpected gift — an outlet plate and note left for me in my mailbox. Which literally made my legs weak — forcing me to drop and sit on the ground. I gasped and lost my breath when I opened it. I both laughed and cried. I was floored and touched in so many ways. It’s hard for me to even describe how overcome I feel. This small gesture feels huge to me and I’m flooded with gratitude. It feels like an offering of support, of help and a validation that I’m okay. It’s a reminder that I’m being seen and no, I’m not crazy. I think more than anything it helps me feel safe by showing me that there are good people in the world. 

You remind me of these things as well — by stopping by and taking the time to read and respond to my posts. I know you’re there, doing good things, being good people and working hard to be your best-self too. You’re helping make that cruel-mother-voice smaller by reminding me that all people are not my mother. And you make me less afraid of being seen. Thank you for being a part of my journey!

I’m off to get a screwdriver. If I feel vulnerable after I hit “publish,” I’m just going to look at the new outlet plate on my wall and take a deep, deep breath!

Take care!

10 replies »

  1. Jess,
    Please reconsider your viewpoint on being crazy…crazy is a compliment… Think about it in terms of Rob.. I think you agree that he is unique…most people want a unique partner because they are special…how many wives can boast that their husbands are Triathletes (and can ride a bike faster than Jess the human rocket woman).. and even more …how many guys would be supportive of the mother of their children being Triathletes as well? Crazy couples that’s who…
    What I think you may want to consider is…. just how crazy or what flavor of crazy you want to be. Bizarro crazy is no good and not crazy at all is just boring.

    Everyone should have a crazy in their lives….Crazy people will open you up to, at the very least, an exciting different perspective on reality and life in general. People who are a little bit crazy, a little weird, a little out of the ordinary usually know how to have a really good time.…if you look think about it the best writers, those that draw you in deep, are for the most part barely holding on to their sanity. We love those crazy bastards! Anyone can be normal.. go nuts…write until that heart you carry on your sleeve bursts… and then ….let your Freaky Flag Fly! From one crazy fruitcake to another…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I get worried that people will think I”m crazy sometimes too. I know there are people who know about my blog who can’t fathom why I would put my personal issues out there like I do. They don’t understand the power of sharing our stories and that shame can’t exist when brought into the light. I do and that’s all that matters. I just ordered the dragon book, by the way. I found it on Amazon!

    Liked by 2 people

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