Zoe and I wore our Glass Ceiling necklaces to my grandmother’s memorial service on Saturday. We wore pink too.
My grandma loved bright colors and never wore black; we used black as an accessory to our happy colors. Rob wore a bright pink tie with playful yellow daisies on it. The boys wore loud checkered shirts. The service was held on the same day as the Women’s March on Washington and around the world. We honored the strong woman my grandmother was by celebrating not only her — but women and people everywhere.
When we got home we sat together on our counter stools and talked about the mix of our emotions. Someone started singing “It’s Alright To Cry” from the Free To Be You And Me Album I grew up with so Brayden got up and put it on the record player. We sang and laughed while eating our dinner. It felt good to laugh.
This morning I went to CrossFit and almost cried as I worked the weights. Being in my body is where I feel everything. I was flooded by how many emotions I’ve been holding inside. Now I’m heading to the pool.
The water is where I go when I need a place to begin. I swam as a kid and it was my lifeboat. I swam when I was pregnant and it kept me connected to myself. I have swum through every injury. Swimming is a life-sport. It allows us to keep moving no matter what our age or ailment. To me, swimming feels like coming home to myself.
Today I am reluctant to get in the pool. To let the water wash over my skin. To feel everything. I’ll want to sob instead of move. Sometimes I get afraid to feel everything. Sometimes I just want to stop in the stillness and feel nothing at all. I think about it. About not moving. I do. But that’s not embracing life. Or living.
Instead, I’ll publish this post. Send it out into the world to be held so I feel less alone when I enter the water. I’ll jump in and begin again.